“I just want to fast forward to the part of my life where everything is ok”- Issa Dee
Insecure came into my life at a time when I was absolutely broken. It also came into my life 6 days after my 28th birthday. I was separated from my Husband, in a different state than where I was comfortable, and I was just... ugh. I had loved Issa Rae for a few years at this point. The Misadventures of Awkward Black Girl was a movement for me, and it honestly helped me get through the journey of my first pregnancy. So... When Insecure finally premiered, I was ready. And boy, did this show hit! I remember not knowing how I felt about the first episode. I had to watch it like 20 times that first week. I remember it embodied how much I felt about my own life at the time. My closest friendships at the time reminded me of Issa’s friendships and well... My relationship felt like Issa & Lawrence’s. I literally had to step back and wonder how this woman knew the things I had ONLY told my therapist. But, I stayed the course and I continued to keep watching. I cringed, I cried and I laughed. I told my friends who didn’t know about the show to watch... I told my Mom to watch and when my Husband and I began the process of reconciling, he watched with me too. We finished the first season & I was in shambles. Because how could I, I mean Issa, allow her life to become such a fucking mess? How did WE get here?
The very first episode of Season 2 told me that this journey was going to run parallel with my life almost exactly, and I wasn’t wrong. I was in the middle of an exceedingly difficult reconciliation with the Love of my Life and we had an experience that was strangely similar to how Episode 1 of Season 2 ended. I remember watching that song and playing “Let it Burn” while crying in the shower because I FELT that confusion and tension that they showed at the end of that episode in my own life. And those parallels continued. Every step of the way, Issa and I lived in the same shoes and walked the same steps. Our cast of characters had some of the same people with the same traits. But, the true love story in my narrative was about the way I loved myself. I had a Molly and unfortunately, our relationship didn’t rebound the way that Issa and Molly’s did. I refreshed my friendship circle throughout this series because it showed me what I wanted out of my adult friendships. It showed me that Black Women are capable of loving and living through life together. It showed humanity and diversity amongst a group of women who normally don’t get these looks on TV. We’ve never really seen Black Women like this. From how they were written to how they actually lit these women on screen, I didn’t see that until 5 years ago. I don’t know how to explain how monumental Insecure has been for Millennial Black Women. THIS IS OUR LIFE! This is our time! We know this... We’ve been here, literally and figuratively. To have such a unique time encapsulated on TV is powerful and meaningful. It’s been captured forever... it’s something to show our kids.
Season 3 allowed me to get free. It showed me that while shit is still messy, I can still have fun. As Issa began to ponder what the trajectory of her life would be, I did the same. I began to live in that space. And it was uncomfortable but I looked over and there was Issa, right along with me. I didn’t go to Beychella (I stayed up for it though!) but I imagine that it would’ve went something like that. I really felt Tiffany when she reflected on how things would change due to her having a child. I was the first in my group to have a kid and things DID change. No matter what people say, me having a child ruined friendships that I wanted to keep but I wasn’t the girl you could call to drive down with you and party while your Ex pulled us over at gunpoint.... true story but it could not be me anymore. I started growing up and defining my life. I also went to LA for the first time and fell in love. I have never loved a character more on this show than I have loved LA. Insecure showed the side of LA that I’ve always loved. I don’t care about WeHo or Calabasas. I care about Leimert Park, Ladera Heights, Inglewood. I care about Sweet Red Peach and Loyola Pizza. I’ve been to the Baldwin Hills Mall... I know that the Popeyes on Crenshaw accepts EBT. Issa’s LA is the LA I want to be a part of and always have wanted to see.
Season 4 was hard because I lost both of my Molly’s. I confronted the absence of one and I could see the ending coming for the other one. I realized how much I changed and how much the relationship I was in with the person I was in it with meant. As we began to work on us, a bomb hit us too. Not a baby bomb but something equally as detrimental. We didn’t break up as Issa and Lawrence did but it did drive a wedge between us. A wedge that we’ve mostly chipped completely away at but there are still some fragments to clear. And Season 5.... what a journey! Issa has The Blocc and I have Hoelistic. And while both look good... there’s still some decisions to be made and some battles to win. The one thing that will always be true for the both of us is that we need to get out of our own heads and believe in ourselves. My Molly, Kelli and Tiffany are all thriving... in abundance, limitless. My Lawrence and I are working our situation out and while everything doesn’t look exactly how I envisioned it, we’re all ok. I haven’t partnered with my Crenshawn just yet but I know they’re out there and when we do link... we’re going straight to the moon. I don’t know another show that will ever mean this much to me. I don’t know another show that has been or could be this transformative for me. I have no words that can adequately describe the pride and joy that Insecure, Issa Rae and the entire cast + crew has made me feel. There is truly no way to repay them. This show was a mirror for me... and my Mirror Bitch was unrelenting. Mirror Bitch didn’t hesitate to snatch my edges and drag me for filth. But, Mirror Bitch was also kind at times and she always told me HER truth. And that’s all I’ve ever needed.
I can’t wait to share Insecure with my daughters. It’s now a rite of passage.
Tell my younger self that I’m doing much better....